Sometimes people ask why I am always so worried and on edge. It is very hard for me to feel like everything is going to be alright when it never seems to happen that way. Sometimes all I want is for my brain to just turn itself off so that I can have a minute of peace and quite without one single worry. I have dealt with anxiety and depression all of my life. It all started around the time when my parents got divorced. I can still remember carrying around a picture of my dad everywhere I went and never wanting to let it go. It was the right decision for my mom to leave, I get that, but it still hurts every single day. Because of my father never wanting to be a part of my life I never truly felt loved. I have been searching for something to fill that void for what seems like forever. I am constantly worried about who else is going to hurt me and leave me like my father did.
Although I had a good childhood being raised by a single mother, there has always been that worry. Even as a child I can remember worrying about how my mother would pay for something that we needed. I think that is where the anxiety really began. I am constantly worrying about money, relationships, work. My mind is constantly running the worst outcomes of every situation. For some reason, my mind does not want me to think positive things. My mind always wanders to that place where it’s yelling at me saying, “You aren’t good enough. You will never be good enough. He’s going to hurt you. Don’t trust her. Is he with someone else? Does anyone even love you?” It’s a very sad way to live your life. Unhappy. Pretending with a fake smile to make it through the day. This ends today.
I wake up every morning next to the man of my dreams. He means the world to me. It almost feels like he saved me from one of the lowest points in my life. I am so very lucky to have him. My first thought in the mornings now is wow, how did I get so lucky? I look at him, kiss his forehead and get ready for the day. Although my day consists of a job I hate, I need to be thankful I have a job. Not everyone is blessed in that way. I am going to start working on having more positive thoughts in my life and not thinking so negatively about absolutely everything. I want to help others who deal with anxiety as badly as I do. I am going to offer suggestions of how to calm yourself down, what to do when your mind just won’t stop going, and share with you my life journey.